


dysphoria, volleyball, and maybe some dating

by asianradishhh



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji Needs a Hug, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Bokuto Koutarou is a Good Significant Other, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Getting Together, Insecure Akaashi Keiji, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Self Confidence Issues, Supportive Bokuto Koutarou, Trans Akaashi Keiji, Trans Male Character, akaashi hates his binder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:06:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27360952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asianradishhh/pseuds/asianradishhh
Summary: Akaashi sighed. He was probably going to regret losing the only date he’d probably get in his entire life, but he figured that he’d been lying to Bokuto for long enough. He deserved to hear the truth, even if it meant risking an actual happy life.“B-but,” his face heated up. “I need to tell you something, too.”“Yeah?”“I’m…” the words sat on his tongue as if they weighed a ton, refusing to leave his mouth.“T-take your time, please!”“I’m trans, Bokuto-san.”Akaashi wishes to keep his identity a secret, just to end up experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions with his crush, also known as Fukurodani's volleyball team captain, Bokuto Kotaro.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 13
Kudos: 277





	dysphoria, volleyball, and maybe some dating

**Author's Note:**

> akaashi has become one of my comfort characters, meaning he's stuck with me projecting my feelings onto him  
> anyways, enjoy the fic yall! :- )

Akaashi’s least favorite days were ones like these; volleyball practice that lasted longer than they usually would, lots of heavy panting, and thick sheets of sweat coating himself and his teammates. Days full of nothing but constant spiking and tossing, wanting to be as precise as possible while their coach scolds them on and on from the sidelines. Everybody had it tough,  _ real _ tough - but for the dark-haired setter, it was always tougher. Regardless of how hard they all work, how exhausted they were from practice, there was a disadvantage that would stick with the boy for a while.

The all-too-familiar discomfort around his chest. It was tight, and always felt tighter after his long hours of tossing volleyballs. Everyday, Akaashi was stuck with a chest binder until he finally saved up the money to take care of the issue at hand. It pressed hard against his ribs and lungs, always making it a challenge to do something as simple as breathing after playing a sport. Though nobody could hear it, he would always curse silently to himself when he finally is able to rest on the benches. For the most part, he’d gotten used to it; plus, he knew that circumstances would be a million times worse if he  _ didn’t _ constantly wear it to practice.

Despite it being a struggle to breathe in, he also hated the daily reminder of his biology. The exact second practice would end, Akaashi would swiftly make his way to the boys’ locker room, but not too quickly that it came off as suspicious. The others were too busy wiping their faces with fluffy, white towels and taking long swigs from their water bottles. He was able to slip away successfully, clutching his clothes close against his heartbeat. It had increased its rate significantly strangely, even though he thought his adrenaline had already calmed down from practice. He bit down onto his lip, hard.

Fortunately, the locker rooms had their own bathrooms. That was usually where he would go to change. He sure wasn’t about to expose himself in front of the others, and he would like to keep it that way. It wasn’t that he’d mind that much if they ever knew about it, but he would absolutely detest the attention it’d bring to him. That, and the tiniest voice in his head told him that he was also afraid of how they would react to it; the team’s number one setter, not biologically born as a male? Them knowing about it and them reacting to it were two  _ completely  _ different matters, and Akaashi could do without being there when they decided to berate him over it. Just the thought of hearing what they’d have to say made him sick to his stomach.

_ ‘It was easier this way,’ _ he convinced himself.

He’s been through similar battles with his brain before, so this wasn’t much of a struggle to adapt to. He had to juggle between hiding signs of unfortunate, blossoming womanhood and hiding his big, unavoidable, and still-growing crush on Fukurodani’s team captain. It was all easy for him. Nobody could tell what he was thinking, and no one dared to ask him what was on his mind. They all knew he would only give vague answers, anyway. Akaashi was aloof, cool, and collected; everyone knew that, so they also knew not to bother. He was grateful for that, it just made everything easier.

Considering his teammates usually took around ten minutes to freshen up and clean up the equipment in the gymnasium before heading to the lockers, that gave Akaashi more time than he needed in order to get himself situated. So, it became routine for him to rinse his face in the sink and lock himself in a stall. He tossed his sweat-soaked jersey over his head, and slowly peeled his damp binder from where it stuck onto his skin. It felt great to breathe properly once again. He reached for his more-comfortable, loose tee that was all white, except for some kanji written with black print on the back of the shirt.

Before he could clothe himself, there was a loud knocking on his stall door, causing him to startle. He’d almost yelped if it weren’t for his incredible talent for keeping quiet when necessary. After triple-checking to ensure that the stall was indeed locked, Akaashi sighed to himself.

“What?” he responded monotonously, still clutching his white shirt to his chest rather than tugging it onto his torso. He didn’t completely trust the privacy of the small cracks between the doors and the dividers.

“Akaashi, it’s me!” Bokuto’s upbeat voice rang out and bounced off of the locker room walls.

Internally, the other boy let out a flustered groan. Out of everybody that could’ve shown up, it was Bokuto. He only pulled the tee closer to his body, feeling his face heat up in the process. His lip felt as if it were about to burst with the way he anxiously bit it white with his teeth. With his bare back facing the stall door, he’d decided that maybe he was taking too long to respond.

“I thought you were still outside, like in the gym.”

“Well, not anymore! Now I’m in the locker room,” Akaashi could practically hear the wide grin on his friend’s face.

“What do you need, Bokuto-san?”

He was met with silence. Bokuto was almost never silent, so he’d come to the conclusion that either he had left the room very quietly and within a one second time span, or he had something very embarrassing to confess. Akaashi knew the second option by experience. There was one time where his friend had shyly admitted his bad math grade, and it took him ten long minutes to get his first word out when telling Akaashi.

The quiet atmosphere was starting to prickle his skin. He didn’t move in case Bokuto hadn’t actually left yet. Considering he was still face-to-face with the toilet, he couldn’t see anything. He’d started to worry after a while. His mouth opened by a sliver, wanting to say something but not knowing what. For all he knew, the other boy was probably still on the other side of the stall. Nonetheless, he wasn’t about to wait until what was left of his time ran out.

“Bo-”

“Akaashi, I have something very important to discuss with you after school!” Bokuto’s unmistakable, loud words rattled in Akaashi’s ears.

It had startled him a little, admittedly. Who wouldn’t jump after hearing a sudden voice ringing through the empty and silent locker room? Despite him appearing expressionless most of the time, he wasn’t immune to the Bokuto volume. He took a deep breath to calm his spiked heart rate, fluttering his eyelids shut as he did so.

“Okay. I’ll be sure not to miss you,” he replied as if he weren’t just embarrassed a minute ago.

“Of course! Thanks, Akaashi!” he exclaimed, probably with that dumb but adorable smile of his still lingering on his face.

Finally. With echoing footsteps out the door that connected the locker room and the gymnasium, Akaashi threw his now-warm shirt over his head, which was still flushed red with embarrassment and a little bit of shame. He’s already felt bad for feeling defensive or secretive whenever it came to his gender or anything related, but it makes him feel like the worst when it comes to Bokuto. He  _ is  _ the most important person to him, after all.

He hated the way his form looked when he wasn’t bearing his binder, feeling as if his feminine features were super obvious, like they weren’t already obvious before. But he supposed their huge and comfy sports jackets covered it up in the end, anyway. They were practically winter coats judging by appearance, and Akaashi is also grateful that he didn’t end up growing into a chest size larger than B. Puberty had been kind to him for the most part.

But even so, he spends everyday swearing up at the gods about where they went wrong when creating him. He wonders how they could’ve possibly mismatched his gender identity and biological sex into two different things. It didn’t make sense, it wasn’t fair, and he was tired of finding someone to blame. On his worst days, he would find all of the fingers of blame pointed at him, convincing himself that maybe there was somewhere he went wrong in all of this. He wasn’t confused whatsoever; he just hated being born with whatever this was.

_ Dysphoria _ was the word. He had learned it when he was six. At the time, he didn’t know why the word had stuck with him like it did. He also didn’t know why he didn’t seem to be like the other girls in his classes. Now he understood, but he felt as if he just made everything a lot more complicated for his parents. Not that they seemed to even care, to be fair; despite him telling them about it, they didn’t really act as if anything changed, which he did find frustrating. He felt like a hypocrite.

As he finished slipping his jacket over his shoulder and moving his fingers towards the zipper, he felt his pent up emotions bubbling up inside of him. His eyebrows drew inwards, lip quivering and eyes starting to prickle and burn with tears. He stared down at his gym bag for what seemed like five hours rather than minutes, let out a couple sniffles every now and then, up until he heard his teammates starting to file into the lockers. Heaving a shaky breath, he let himself out of the stall and checked himself in the mirror. He had almost forgotten about meeting Bokuto, and he wanted to make sure he didn’t look like a complete loser in front of him, even though he was sure he still would look like one to his friend.

Fortunately for him, he looked like the same old Akaashi. He was surprised nobody had mistaken him for a girl when he first showed up, because looking at himself in the mirror, he sure would’ve been conflicted.

Whether or not that was only his insecurities talking, he didn’t know.

Making his way between his teammates, he was just about to leave the locker room when he heard that familiar voice yell amidst the team’s chatter, “Akaashi, wait up!”

He ignored the way his heart skipped a beat at the sound. When he turned around, the other boy was right in his face, his expression full of excitement. It was almost too bright for Akaashi to stare at.

“You ready?” Bokuto asked with a noticeable eagerness in his tone.

“Yeah,” the other replied gingerly.

Akaashi could feel many eyes on him, but by this time, he’d been used to it. He’s reassured himself that it’s just his mind playing tricks on him. He found it easier to believe this whenever he was with Bokuto. They walked until the feeling of eyes disappeared, rounding near the school’s entrance. Well, they almost did, until the taller boy came to a sudden halt.

“Huh-”

_ “A-Akaashi-san!” _ his voice was louder than it usually was.

It didn’t take an idiot to know that Bokuto was definitely nervous about something. Akaashi felt his blood run cold, and all of his thoughts from earlier came flooding back. He thought about the worst case scenario, his eyes becoming as wide as saucers. Suddenly, his throat felt dry and he couldn’t feel himself breathe. But, that was probably only him worrying over nothing, right? Maybe it had nothing to do with him.

“Bokuto-san?” he tried to speak in the most natural tone he could, even though he felt like he was about to fall over any second with the way his legs vibrated ever-so-subtly.

“I…” the other boy’s eyes were shut tight, and his face was as red as a tomato. “I have something very important to ask you!”

Akaashi’s mind flooded with dark, incoherent thoughts about what it could possibly be about. His brain was all over the place, as if his physical state wasn’t enough. His hands fiddled with each other, the way his legs wobbled became near-unbearable, and he could’ve sworn his eyesight began to distort. His chest grew tighter, and he became hyper aware about how his body was formed. This was one of the many times he’d felt a sort of darkness like he did right now, so after taking a couple of short breaths, he easily identified what was happening.

It was the start of an anxiety attack, one that he couldn’t control without pinching himself for ten seconds. It had to be a hard pinch, where he would be feeling it for an hour. When he did, It felt like a huge breath of fresh air. Everything felt much clearer. He swallowed thickly, his expression returning to what he assumed looked normal. It was as if he just obtained a cure for whatever just happened. Slowly but surely, his anxiety cooled down, and dissipated into something similar to satisfaction. Now, he was sure that it had nothing to do with-

“Akaashi-san?”

Bokuto’s face was hard to look at. For the first time in what seemed like forever, his voice sounded… sad. Not in the way where he would forget how to do cross-shots, or when he couldn’t get past a set of blockers. This time, it was the kind of sad that was hurt, confused, dejected, and above all, genuine. His voice matched what he wore on his face, and it hurt Akaashi.

“Is… is that a no?” Bokuto spoke in an almost-whisper, which was unlike him.

“No to what?”

Now Akaashi was also confused. Did Bokuto ask him something that he somehow missed?

“Akaashi,” Bokuto’s frown turned into a pout. “Stop messing with me!”

Both of his eyebrows were now raised. “What are you talking about?”

“Come on, I know you’re just playing with me at this point. If you’re gonna reject me, then fine. Just don’t rub it in like a jerk.”

The dots connected. Everything clicked in his brain, and it showed on his face. Bokuto was trying to ask him out. Yet again, he thought, his dysphoric anxiety had ruined things for him. It was at least tolerable when it only affected how he thought about himself, but now it’s beginning to affect how Bokuto thinks about him. He hurt the one person who he actually came close to caring about. There was nothing left to do but to cry.

He hadn’t meant to tear up of course, it was nothing he could control when his limits were pushed. Years of holding it all inside had brought him here, and he has never felt more pathetic in life. What idiot can’t keep their emotions in check? He had been doing so well, too. A tear ran down his cheek as his lip muscles forced itself down into a frown. He felt so stupid for being vulnerable, especially in front of the only one who even bothered to hang out with him in the first place. Embarrassed, he hid his face in the sleeves of his white jacket, so at least he could try to pretend he was physically as alone as he felt in his mind.

The students were all long gone by now due to their practice taking up more hours than most after-school activities, and his teammates were still in the locker rooms. He knew they would be out soon, though.

He looked like the most inconsiderate person right now, crying when it’s supposed to be Bokuto’s turn to feel hurt. This was supposed to be the happiest moment of his life, and it got ruined, just like everything else. He was tired of himself ruining everything. If he obeyed society and just identified as a female like he’s supposed to, things wouldn’t be so hard; he could be living a normal life, one that he’s wished for all of his life. He was tired of blame, constantly switching between cursing at the gods and cursing at himself. He hates how unfair everything was, how he cries over something he can never change no matter how many times he’s tried, but the root of it all, he hates himself.

“Whoa, Akaashi…!?” Bokuto’s exclaims sounded muffled.

Before he could process what had happened, Akaashi found himself on his knees, sleeves still desperately trying to wipe away any evidence of breaking down. He’d been too late though, because now the other boy was in front of him, on his knees as well. He wanted to push him away, but he was too weak.

That, and because he was just so  _ sad. _

“Keiji, talk to me!” Bokuto panicked. “Please?”

Akaashi could only let out unintelligible mumbles, unable to say what he wanted to. “B-Bo…”

“Yeah? What’s going on!?” At this point, he was grasping his friend’s shoulders as if afraid he’d lose him if he let go.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” he cried out. Truly, he had nothing to apologize for, but what else was he supposed to say?

“Why are you sorry? Akaashi?” There goes his genuine, once-in-a-blue-moon sad voice again. He didn’t want to hear it right now, not under these circumstances.

“I’m not even supposed to be crying right now. I hurt your feelings; if anything, you shouldn’t even be trying to comfort me!”

“You didn’t hurt my feelings…”

“Come on, I literally rejected you because I spaced out.”

“Well, I’m sure you had a good reason, Akaashi. I don’t blame you for that.”

“God, Bokuto,” his tears only continued to flow. After hearing that, he felt a lot more selfish because he really did not have any good reason whatsoever. “It was an anxiety attack, so it was  _ not _ a good reason.”

He continued to sob into his jacket. He also felt the sensation of strong arms pulling him into a tight embrace, unexpectedly. Akaashi would’ve bet that Bokuto had left by now, just like all of the rest. His tears soaked into the other’s chest.

“Do you want to tell me what it was about?” Bokuto said slowly, rubbing nonsensical patterns on the other’s back.

If he were being honest, he didn’t want to. He was afraid of talking about it; after all, he’s never had someone to vent to before. But there was a strange trust that lingered around the taller boy, and it made Akaashi believe that perhaps, right now, it was finally okay. His breath shook as he tried not to hyperventilate, taking in the scent of Bokuto’s coat. It made him feel a lot better. He smelled comforting.

“I,” he gulped. “I was scared.”

“Why?”

“Because I thought that you were going to ask something else.”

Bokuto knew that the other didn’t want to elaborate on the subject, so he backed off for now. He thought about what he could say to help out. A grin formed on his face, small but a little sad. “Hey, Akaashi.”

“What?”

“I’ve never told this to anybody before… so, um, first of all, don’t go around telling my secrets to people!” Bokuto joked. “Secondly…”

The dark-haired boy furrowed his eyebrows with curiosity. Bokuto breathed through his nose, and Akaashi could feel the air filling his chest with the way his head was fixed against him.

“I used to have anxiety attacks, too.”

_ What? _

“Okay, before you go all like, ‘what? Bokuto-san never has those! He’s so confident and cool and awesome!’”

_ ‘I can assure you that I am definitely not thinking about that last bit,’ _ Akaashi thought to himself.

“But I guess I wasn’t always so,  _ this. _ I felt like I had to become the best or else nobody would like me. It sounds funny out loud, but I promise it’s a real thing! So, in junior high, whenever somebody would somehow block my spikes, I would doubt myself. It would get really bad, to the point where I had to bench for the rest of the game. I’d panic and let my team down.

“It was kind of funny because when I would miss those spikes, I felt as if my volleyball skills were what let my team down. But in the end, I suppose what truly let us down was the result of me overthinking that. It’s a little ironic, isn’t it? Nobody could get me to move for the rest of the game, and to be honest, I’m still surprised they hadn’t dumped me back then. There were times where I’d hyperventilate on the court, and maybe once or twice I passed out right in the middle of a losing game.

“But I’m better now! So I know you will become better, too. I can try to help you too if you want or if that’ll help, I don’t know. I’m not really good at handling them when they do happen, but I’ll try my best for you, Akaashi!”

The other boy was stunned. He hadn’t known anything about this. He just assumed it was only temporary mood swings that happened once in a while, but it was actually branched off of a larger issue in the past? He wanted to hug the life out of Bokuto, but he couldn’t move. So, instead, he whispered the only thing he could think about saying.

“Thank you.”

It was quiet for a while, aside from Akaashi’s sniffling. Bokuto thought he’d try to lighten the mood a little. “Well, if you want, we could still go out. It doesn’t have to be a date, obviously! But we could both use some time to ourselves, you know?”

Akaashi nuzzled himself deeper in the other’s chest, subconsciously covering his own with his arms in doing so. “Bokuto…”

“Like I said, o-only if you want!” he stuttered profusely.

“What if… I wanted it to be a date?”

Though he couldn’t see it, Akaashi could tell that his friend was smiling. He, too, felt happy until he realized he’d have to tell Bokuto about himself, first. His mood immediately plummeted once more.

“Sure, I’d like that!”

Akaashi sighed. He was probably going to regret losing the only date he’d probably get in his entire life, but he figured that he’d been lying to Bokuto for long enough. He deserved to hear the truth, even if it meant risking an actual happy life.

“B-but,” his face heated up. “I need to tell you something, too.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m…” the words sat on his tongue as if they weighed a ton, refusing to leave his mouth.

“T-take your time, please!”

“I’m trans, Bokuto-san.”

It had been so long since he last said it out loud. It still left a bitter taste in his mouth, but it was nice. It was nice to finally be able to admit something out loud. His heart pounded anxiously as he awaited his friend’s response. There was a chance that Akaashi would get totally rejected, then who knows what he would do if that were to happen? But, there was also a chance that he wouldn’t. Then if that happened, they would… date? Is that how it works? He sure hoped for the second scenario, nonetheless. Even if Bokuto ended up not wanting to date him after that confession, he would be okay as long as they remained good friends, still.

“T… tran…” Akaashi looked up to see a squinting Bokuto, like he was deep in thought. “What’s ‘trans’ mean?”

He almost died right then and there. Everything about today was nothing but a mess, it was embarrassing. His dark turquoise eyes were half-lidded and they stared at Bokuto, making sure he wasn’t messing with him. Although, knowing the boy, he was most definitely not kidding.

“Like, you know, ‘transgender’?” he clarified, slightly dumbfounded. He was a little irritated that Bokuto made him say it again.

“Nope, never heard of that nationality. Where’s that?”

At this point, Akaashi could’ve sworn Bokuto really was kidding. Nobody could be that dense.

Well, maybe Bokuto  _ could _ be that dense, but still.

“Bokuto-san,” he said monotonously. “I was assigned female at birth, but transitioned into a male.”

“Oh… why’d you need to tell me?”

“What? Why wouldn’t I?”

“You  _ are _ a boy, right?”

“Well, yeah. I identify as a boy, but I’m still biologically female. I just wanted to be sure you’re okay with that.”

“If it’s Akaashi Keiji, then I don’t care! I just want to date you,” Bokuto persisted.

“You… don’t mind me being a mess?”

“You’re not a mess for being tr… trans gen… Anyways, I think we all have a lot of things that make everybody a mess, but it has nothing to do with you being born differently! You can’t help it, like how I can’t help liking you!” Akaashi blushed at the last sentence as Bokuto continued. “I like you because you’re you, not because you’re a boy or something. Plus, you just told me that you identified as one, so that’s that.”

“Yeah, I guess. But I also don’t know if you’d want to stick with me on the days I get attacks or if my dysphoria gets really bad. You might regret it.”

Bokuto squeezed the other’s hands. “I will be there the entire way, Keiji. We can and will get through this. Promise.”

Akaashi felt like crying again. He threw his arms around the other boy’s neck and snuggled his nose into the spot where his neck meets his shoulder. He really didn’t deserve Bokuto. No more words were exchanged between them after this, and that was just fine. They didn’t need them when they had actions.

The two had decided to hang out at Bokuto’s place instead of going somewhere like the cinema or the new cafe that just opened a week ago. For the first time in forever, he felt comfortable. Not just because he was now able to be around somebody without having to wear a binder, but because he finally found somebody who stayed.

Bokuto stayed for Akaashi. That was a love language they both could understand.

**Author's Note:**

> dysphoria sucks. i need a bokuto


End file.
